Archives for category: Doubt

Make Yourself Proud January 1 2012

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First off, between Christmas, having a family member in the hospital, and getting a cold, I’ve neglected the blog. I’m not sorry – my time was better spent at the hospital, spending time celebrating, or recuperating, I just wanted to say I haven’t forgotten about my readers!

I’m honestly pretty happy 2012 is over and done. Lots of sad, tough things happened. It seemed like as soon as one thing got better, something else happened. Life seems to like throwing things at me like that.

I’m hoping that 2013 is going to be better than 2012. Looking back over 2012 I’ve made some pretty awesome accomplishments. I didn’t back down when things were tough. I was able to handle a lot of crap that I didn’t think I could. I made good decisions when it counted. I was able to make it out on the other side.

In 2013 I’m going to do more of the same. I want to surprise myself with my strength, my ability to deal with whatever comes my way. I think I’m able to appreciate more the time I have with the people that I love and care about. The less limits I put on myself, the more I’m able to achieve.

So looking forward to 2013, I want to do more than I did last year. I think that sums it up.

Comarison is the Thief of Joy September 15 2012

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I’ve been doing something stupid lately. I know I shouldn’t be doing it, but I do anyways. Ugh. I’ve been comparing myself to other people.

I know everyone is different, you can’t put people side by side to see how they stack up against each other, but for some reason my head has been doing it recently.

Whatever I start doing it I always feel bad about myself. It doesn’t matter if it’s with people in real life, or other bloggers, or whatever. It doesn’t matter what part of my life it’s in, I always end up on the losing side.

For the last little while I’ve been really good at not doing it. It’s actually been pretty awesome. But for some reason the last couple days have been tough. I don’t know what it is.

So I’m going to try to make a conscious effort to not compare myself to others the next week or so and see how it goes.

Tell me I’m not the only one who gets stuck in this rut every once in while. What do you do to stop doing it?

Floor Hockey

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My first floor hockey game is tonight. I’m pretty excited about it. I had played a few games a couple months ago, so I’m really looking forward to playing again.

Our schedule was posted a couple days ago, so I found out our team name. We’re the Gladiators! Since no one on the team knows each other, I’m pretty sure that our name was assigned to us. I like it though. Some of the other team names on the schedule are pretty funny.

Even though I’m really excited about it, I’m also kind of nervous. What if I’m not good enough? What if I let my teammates down? I know part of it is the unknown. I haven’t met any of my teammates, I haven’t played organized floor hockey before. The nerves are about not knowing what’s going to happen.

On the other hand though, it’s a rec league. It doesn’t really matter if we lose or if I miss the shot. It’s not competitive so it shouldn’t be too intense. I know I was pretty nervous about playing soccer before the first game too, but it turned out to be pretty awesome. I need to remember that I’ll have fun and not stress about it before it happens.

Wish me luck tonight!

Goalie June 9 2012

The soccer league that I play in doesn’t have dedicated goalies. That means that everyone on the team has to take a turn playing goalie for a game. Usually we do it half a game at a time.

A few weeks ago I volunteered to play goalie for the first half of the game. When I first pulled on the keeper jersey, put the gloves on, and ran out on the field to the net, I was terrified. TERRIFIED.

I didn’t realize before how big the net is until I was standing in front of it. It seemed so huge to me. How could anyone expect me to keep a ball out of it?

A funny thing happened though. Once the game started I realised I had some teammates who were playing an amazing defense and were working hard to keep the ball away. They were awesome, and the whole time I was in goal the ball only came to me a couple times.

Did the other team score on me? Definitely. But it was only once, and I had managed to stop the first try. There was no way I could have been able to get to the other side of the net in time to keep the ball from going in on the rebound. It was too much ground to cover in not enough time.

But you know what? I didn’t feel bad about it. I knew that I had given it my all and tried as hard as I could. I didn’t have any regrets. I couldn’t think of anything that I could have done differently.

When the ref whistled half time I was so relieved. I had played 30 minutes as goalie and survived. When I went over to the sideline to get some water, my team congratulated me. They thought I had done a good job, even though the other team had scored. I think one of the things I was so scared of was letting them down, but they didn’t feel disappointed at all.

Last week I played another half as goalie. I definitely wasn’t as scared as the first time, though I was still definitely more nervous that usual. You know what? I didn’t even let any goals in! Instead of worrying about the horrible things that could happen, I focused on the game and did my best.

I need to remember this experience for the next time that I’m faced with doing something that I’m scared of. I really have no idea how something is going to go until I actually do it. Having expectations that it’s going to be horrible doesn’t help at all. For all I know I could have had some amazing goalie abilities that I didn’t know I had cause I had never played the position before. I need to remember that when I’m faced with an unknown I need to tell myself that it could turn out pretty good.

Mud Hero

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There’s less than two months to go for my very first race! When I first signed up it seemed like it was such a long way off, but now it seems like it’s just around the corner. I can’t wait for July 22nd!

You can’t watch that and tell me it doesn’t look like so much fun! I think one of the best things about it is going to be getting muddy, and absolutely not caring about it one bit. It’s going to be like being a kid again.

I’m still a little nervous about being able to do some of the obstacles though. But there’s good news. If I can’t do something, or I don’t want to attempt it, I can take a two minute penalty, or do 20 push-ups and I can move on. Pretty cool, huh? I’m thinking I’m at least going to attempt every obstacle. If I can’t do it, fine, but I’m going to give it my all before I admit defeat.

Limits June 2 2012

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Last week at soccer I was running after the ball. I was playing defence, and there was a striker on the other team running to get to the ball too. It was a race to see who would get there first.

Limits 2 June 2 2012

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For a second I thought about giving up. I don’t think I’m very fast. Actually I know I’m not fast. I told myself that she would get there before I would. What’s the point of wasting the energy of running hard when I know she’ll beat me to the ball?

Limits 3 June 2 2012

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But then I thought, what if I give it my all and see what happens? Yeah, I might not be fast, but I’d like to think that I give everything my best effort. If I give up before I’ve even tried then I’m not trying my best.

Limits 4 June 2 2012

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We ended up getting to the ball at the same time, and after a few tries I managed to pass it to a teammate. I felt pretty good about it. It wasn’t a game changing play. We didn’t score. But I was so proud of myself for not giving up.

Limits 5 June 2 2012

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It made me realize how many times I put limits on myself. I give myself permission to give up cause I don’t think I’ll be able to accomplish something. So what if it’s hard? So what if I’ve never been able to do it before? If I don’t give it 100% then of course I’m going to fail. But if I give it everything I have I could do something amazing.

Even if I don’t end up doing it, it’s still not the end of the world. I’m guaranteed to fail at things in life – but that doesn’t mean that I still shouldn’t give it 100% of my effort.

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Last night I realized that I’m always underestimating myself.

It was my first soccer game. I was pretty excited about it. It’s something I wanted to do cause it was outside of my comfort zone. It was a little scary, but at the same time something I thought I could do if I pushed myself.

I was also terrified. I imagined everyone else on my team being amazing soccer players. They’d run circles around me with the ball and I wouldn’t have any idea what was happening. They’d be at one end of the field and I’d be at the other, trying to catch up. I didn’t think I would be able to keep up with everyone else.

It happens sometimes when I go do my workouts for the boot camp. I look at what I have to do and think that there’s no way that I can do 15 reps, let alone 4 sets of a particular exercise – never mind the fact that I’ve been working out pretty consistently for the last couple months. Somehow all the rational thoughts get pushed aside by my doubt.

It’s not just with soccer or working out. It’s been like this for a long time. It’s been everything from realizing that my friends like me cause I’m a genuinely nice person (I should have figured that out a long time ago – most of them have been my friends ever since I moved here 15 years ago), to figuring out that yeah, someone would like me enough to want to date me and call me their girlfriend.

The soccer game turned out to be pretty awesome. The ladies I play with are easy going and supportive. Even though I was definitely exhausted and sweaty by the end of the game, it didn’t really feel like a workout cause I was having so much fun. I was  able to keep up with everyone too. One teammate even asked me how long I had been playing soccer – apparently I didn’t look as completely lost and confused as I felt – so that made me feel pretty good.

Even the fact that I’ve stuck with this boot camp up til now (even though I’ve had mornings when I didn’t want to have to get up early to work out, or workouts that seemed too hard, or that they’d never end) shows that I have more strength and perseverance than I like to admit to myself.

I need to remember to not underestimate myself. I CAN do things – scary, hard things, even. I just have to do them and stop letting my head get in the way.

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It’s so easy for me to get discouraged when it comes to eating well, working out, and my weight. Especially with my weight.

I ate out quite a few times in the last week – everything from a hamburger to shepherd’s pie and green beer at my friend’s place for St Patrick’s Day. I know I can’t be perfect 100% of the time. It’s impossible to expect that from anyone. I’ve made way more positive decisions than negative though. That’s what counts.

I’ve been working out faithfully the last couple weeks. I’ve been putting my all into it and working HARD. It feels awesome when I’m done to know that I’ve given it everything that I have. I feel stronger in both my arms and my legs. My runs are slowly but surely getting easier. It feels amazing.

My weight hasn’t been so great however. I feel very stuck. It’s so hard to not let it get to me. It would be so easy for my head to go straight to the place of “well I’ve been working my butt off but it’s not making a difference, so I might as well eat half a bag of Twizzlers and sleep in instead of workout”. I hate that I let my weight make me doubt what I’m doing and my abilities.

I’ve committed to this boot camp for eight weeks. I have to believe that this feeling of failure is just a blip on the radar, that by the end of April I’ll be feeling amazing about my food choices overall, my workouts, and my weight. I’ll have the faith that I can follow through with my goal and do more than I thought I could.

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The other day at church someone told me I had a beautiful smile.

Yet my head insists on making this hard for me to accept. It gets twisted around and changed and I somehow make it into something that it isn’t. I can’t just let it be what it is.

Why can’t I just believe someone when they say something nice to me? It makes me crazy sometimes. It never stops, even for a second.

One day I hope I’ll be able to accept a compliment and just enjoy it. Hopefully it’ll happen sooner rather than later.

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I’ve been thinking lately about failure, and how I let it be more than it should be in my life. Failure is never fun, and there’s always a reason behind it when I don’t accomplish something, but at some point I have to move on from it.

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The moving on part is where I have trouble. It’s so easy for me to stay stuck in it. All I see is how I messed up instead of how I can learn from it.

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So I’m going to ask you – how do you deal with failure? Do you have any tips for me?

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